So it’s 6am and I’m flipping between watching VH1’s Jump Start and indulging my almost disturbing NCIS fetish. Occasionally I stumble upon an inconvenient moment wherein both channels are flashing commercials I’m not interested in, and my twitchy remote finger takes me on the infamous Quest For Something To Hold My Sad And Sorry Attention Span. I can freely admit I’m completely incapable of going 2.5 seconds without something to amuse me.

Anyway, I come across a short infomercial. It’s for some kind of drain snake for getting rid of clogs, and they’re offering a large one and a small one for just $10.

But wait! Call within the next twenty seconds from a Verizon cell phone in the Virgin Islands while standing on one foot and simultaneously patting your head and rubbing your stomach, and they will double the offer. That’s four drain snakes plus self-adhesive hooks to hang them up in a closet somewhere where you can conveniently forget all about them!

I don’t even know how the hell to use a drain snake, and to be honest, I wouldn’t even if I did. The world within my house’s plumbing is a sacred space all it’s own, a sort of creepy, black magic-ridden kingdom not fit for the light of day to shine upon it. Horror movie after horror movie has assured me that if I take the filter out of my drain and leave its gaping maw open and undefended, all manner of indecent beasts will have unrestricted access to the World of Light. Not only will I then have to get off my lazy ass to fight the forces of darkness to send them back into the depths from whence they came, but the government would probably bill me for any Reserve aid I may have to eventually request.

Not to mention, bugs live in drains. You take the filter off a drain, you’re just asking to deal with bugs. I go out of my way to stay far, far away from Nature, especially members of her Ew Disgusting category.

That said, on a completely different note, Lady Gaga videos continue to confuse the hell out of me. I’m going to give up on ?:1 this morning and go make a cake.

Stay sassy.

Zap out.